Remember when “gourmet” meant a slab of spam in batter, and dessert was a cake so dense it could be used as a doorstop or as I remember a thoughtful bit of cake that could be weaponised as long range missile to be aimed at my old nemesis Mr Hendricks ? Welcome to School Dinners Night at The Upton—where we’re serving up all the classics from your school canteen days, with a generous helping of childhood memories, laughter, and just a pinch of tongue-in-cheek. 

 

On the Menu: A Culinary Flashback 

• Spam Fritter: The protein-packed mystery meat that powered a generation. Fried to golden perfection, suspiciously pink, and somehow still a national treasure. 

 

• Bottle Breaktime Milk: Served at precisely the wrong temperature, with that nostalgic silver foil lid. Will it be tepid or frozen? Only fate (and our fridge) knows. 

 

• Boiled-to-Oblivion Veg: Carrots, peas, and cabbage, all cooked until they surrender. Soft, sloppy, and so comforting it’s almost medicinal. 

 

• Multi-Coloured Custard: Is it pink? Is it green? Is it even custard? We’re not sure, but it’s thick, it’s sweet, and it’s poured over… 

 

• Bonker-Hard Cake: The only cake that doubles as a building material. If you can get your spoon through it, you’ve earned your pudding. 

 

Why Are We Doing This? 

Because food is more than just what’s on the plate—it’s about memories, friendship, and those moments that made us who we are. At The Upton, we believe in celebrating the simple joys: the optimism of childhood, the thrill of a school disco, and the laughter that comes from sharing a meal that’s both delicious and delightfully ridiculous. 

 

We’re not just serving up nostalgia—we’re bringing back the spirit of fun and friendship that made those school days so special. (And, let’s be honest, we all secretly loved that weirdly coloured custard.) 

The School Disco: Where Legends (and Dance Moves) Are Made 

 

After dinner, we’re clearing the tables for a proper school disco. Expect the cheesiest tunes, the worst dance moves, and a chance to relive the days when your biggest worry was whether you’d get picked for the conga line. No Jamie Oliver salads in sight—just pure, unfiltered fun. After all Saturday Night Fever was on it the cinema and boy could we John Travolta on the dance floor trying to impress Tracy that I was the one for her. 

 

Jamie Oliver: A Distant Dream 

In the world of School Dinners Night, Jamie Oliver is but a distant rumour. Turkey Twizzlers still rule, and no one’s heard of “superfoods.” Tonight, we’re keeping it classic—Jamie, back off - you can have your quinoa elsewhere. 

 

Fun Facts: How Many School Dinners? 

• Did you know the UK serves up over 3 million school meals every day? That’s enough spam fritters to build a small (and slightly greasy) village. 

 

• The average child faces down 1,140 school dinners a year—which explains our national resilience, and perhaps our lifelong fondness for custard. 

 

Join Us for a Night of Nostalgia 

Let’s be honest: we could all use a bit more fun, a few more laughs, and a reminder of those carefree days when the world was full of possibility, simpler days for sure not giving a hoot about interest rates, Vat or the cost of fuel (is was more about the cake and, mystery ingredients that it held). 

 

So gather your mates, dust off your best disco moves, and book your table for School Dinners Night at The Upton. Childhood memories, new laughs, and a pudding that might just defeat you—what more could you want? 

 

Book now—no permission slip required.